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The basket of little candy bits was missing today. Where is my reward? Is it gone because too many people came thru the office looking for sustenance? A health craze? Heaven forbid, the cancer patient needs to eat healthy. Do I now need to bring my own? Don’t they understand that it really is the little things, right now, that help keep sanity on the rise?

I want my candy treat.

Yesterday, I was a walking disaster. Things took it upon themselves to drop, fall, slid, and just run away from me. I caught a box eyeing my shins. Keys fell out of the car unto the pavement. Drinks actually bounced on the floor. Made for spectacular arcs of color across the kitchen walls. Lids landed icky-side down every time. It was getting to be very disturbing.

So far today, it’s only been the missing chocolate fix.

So tomorrow, I have completed my planning session, got a cool purple mould, and made it through the rehearsal. Now radiation treatments start. Chemo was bad. Surgery not any better. Radiation should be a walk in the park. Yeah, if you like to walk at night, in the rain, and taunt the gods of lightening.

Everyone is so unfailingly polite at this place. They weald it like a weapon. I wish someone would crack an off color joke or fart. It makes me feel like a fractious child that needs to be put to bed but is not cooperating. I feel socially clueless in the face of all the sincerity. Should I be making small talk? Should I ask about their weekends? Do I look like a goat caught chewing the door frame? What do they say when I walk out the door? Will they greet me like an old friend when I come back for checkups months from now?

I need my friend Vicki who slaps you upside the head. She tells it like it is but makes you belly laugh until your sides hurt. Many a lunch, we have been “those people”. The ones you wish would either clue you in on the joke or shut up.

I came out into the waiting room and the estrogen level was high. There was a support crew of woman, waiting for their friend. Drinking cups of tea. Skirts and frills and bright colors, head’s together earnestly twittering away.

I must admit, I was a bit jealous. Then, I wasn’t. I have my village, too. Loud laughers. Poke you in the eye jokers. Big bottomed rocker girls… Drinkers of tea, we ain’t. But bigger hearts I dare you to find anywhere else.

So bring it on…