Thoughts of an Old Fart

Well the active part of the war is done. On to the cold war portion of the program. No more radiation treatments or chemo. Now its just the 5 year plan. Daily Hormone pills and unknown side affects.

I think the hardest thing is to realize that somehow, while plodding thru this fight, the world has moved on without me. I lost my job in the middle of this and now looking around at the world, I realize that after 15 years, no one has come looking. The great fade. We all do it. A friend drops off the radar and your busy life takes over. No blame. Just not relevant in the forward thinking, rush of your life.

But it’s not easy realizing that you are no longer needed.

Through this whole adventure, its the techs that make it easier. Doctors are good. But they spend so little time with you. Once you have gone thru their area, chemo, surgery, radiation etc, you drop off their radar. The nurses, techs, office staff, they are the real troopers. I cannot enumerate the little kindnesses. Comments on hair, nails, jewelry. Chocolate. Sincere comments. So much patience. Polite conversation. Civility. It makes you feel human. And one thing I crave is to just feel a bit of normalcy.

Observing the rules of formality give a framework that allows the awkwardness of the physical exposure, a way to be handled. It somehow makes it not the center of attention. The attention is on me as a person, not on my cancer/illness. Its hard to explain. A good technician distracts and focuses you on what makes you a human being. For brief moments, the screaming in your head quiets. Its serious shit but its not who you are.

A book, I once read, said that a certain tribe had 100s of words to describe snow. When visiting Ireland, I was at a loss to describe how many shades of green I was seeing. I now understand that there just are not enough words for the types of tired one becomes.

Falling asleep in strange places. Waking up in your driveway after driving home not sure how you got there. Wondering if you could just leave the party and rest in your car. Being so tired, that you can’t sleep. Realizing that you’ve been watching CSI episodes all day and don’t even know what was on them or how many you’ve seen. Starting a sentence only to realize that you have no idea what you were about to say.

I get tired just breathing.

I’m pretty sure there are very few people who actually understand why I think certain things are funny. Humor hits me at the strangest times. Laying in a stark, cold sterile room on a rock hard platform getting parts of your anatomy zapped can seem like a place devoid of humor. But, hey, when you have a fire alarm go off with flashing disco lights to the accompaniment of the BeeGees, you try hard not smile. Then there was the day the form went flat and all hell broke loose accompanied by “Jump” by Van Halen, “Cool the Engines” by Boston, and “It’s Only Gona Get Better” by Howard Jones. But my favorite so far was the day the techs took 20 minutes to get me lined up and after leaving me alone in the room to start the zapping, “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas starts to play. Followed by and even more chipper “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton. Only to be followed up with “It’s my Life” by Bon Jovi. Then the sound system just went to silence. If it wouldn’t have been for the warning to not move and lay heavy, I think I would have been on the floor laughing.

I figure most people will not see the humor in this. In fact, I know they wont.