Thoughts of an Old Fart

Yes, I am insane. I can state it categorically. I cannot deny it. I am enjoying scaring the hell out of people. Yes, I admit it. It’s a new thrill this growing power. But yet somehow disturbing in a weird sort of way.

I once had a job review that stated: “[fill in name]’s facial expressions lead to confrontations”. I’ve spent years denying it. But now after the latest episode, I have embraced my dark side and am enjoying my new found powers. This power only seems to affect men. I look. They quake. And then they blurt out, “I haven’t done anything. It wasn’t me!”

After several days of working with a group of guys doing a marathon software installation, I came dragging into the conference room. No coffee yet. Still feeling a bit of road rage, I sat down in the quiet and fired up my laptop to begin another day. One of the Project Managers, asked a question. I guess as I was thinking through all the complications this question might lead to, I looked his way. He shrank down in his chair, got this terrified mouse-like look on his face, and blurted out “Love You”.

I couldn’t help it. I busted up laughing. “Love You” was the catch phrase of the day.

Ciao

What is it about people that they always feel obligated to point out the pitfalls of your happiness? Why can’t people just be happy for you?

Not sour grapes here but just trying to understand. As you get older happiness becomes a more elusive quantity. Sometimes you almost feel like being happy will somehow bring down the wrath of the gods. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that belly jiggling laugh that has you gasping for breath with tears streaming down your face…

Ciao

Lovely weekend had by all. It’s funny how fast you can spin a perspective on something. Took a walk thru the house with someone who hasn’t seen it..

Wine and friends

Pigtails on guys with dark hair

Football games

Mental illness and people’s complete lack of understanding. The “they-should-just-snap-out-of-it” School of Ignorance.

Request for birthday gifts…

Furniture thoughts… House dreams.. Basement layouts..

Ciao

The house has stalled. The builder has been playing phone tag with us for 4 weeks now. We were to meet him on-site but somehow, mysteriously, he couldn’t make it and sent his talkative assistant to meet with us. I can’t help but feel ignored. My SO and I are not talking about it at all. Every time I bring it up, he cuts me off. “Don’t want to talk about it.” “I just get angry.” “You can’t change anything so drop it.” I’m having a hard time with this. We’ve been within 3 weeks of completing for over 2 months now. Insurance is about to run out and our 2nd loan extension soon goes poof.

Relationships are weird things. My SO never felt like he needed to talk to me. When questioned, I got the old “I just want to relax”. So we fell into this, I babble and he stoically listens. Every time I’ve attempted to change this, I go quiet and he just waits me out. These little tug-o-wars have gone for weeks. Neither of us are rude, just quiet. Sometimes I think I just gave up because I wasn’t sure what I wanted and let me tell you, it’s been an up hill battle lately (even before the house) to really give a shit. No romance. No zing. Just tired.

The house hasn’t helped. We’ve had this stress drag out for so long and so much put on-hold, that I think when we finally do move into the house, I’m going to find it hard to be excited.

I just want to be treated as if opinion counts and I’m someone special. I’m amazed at how much my spirits are flagging. Physical conditions, job stress, and the damn house are leading me to just shut down emotionally. It’s pretty hard to get excited about my birthday when all it reminds me of is that I need to schedule a doctors appointment. Cause after a lets-wait-n-see for months now, things are not getting any better. I’m not sleeping well. I’m irritable and emotional as hell. Hey when’s the last time you cried at a feel-good commercial for god’s sake?

On a much happier note, go see the latest Wallace n Gromit. If that doesn’t make you forget your worries for a few hours, then you must be dead.

Ciao

My teeth hurt! I love how you go to the dentist and one thing fixed breaks another thing and then fix that thing and then another and another and another till your dental insurance cries UNCLE.. Tylenol here we come.. Wonder why I have all these dental problems all the sudden? Seems each year can be distinguished from the other by what when wrong physically. One year kidney stones. Another year teeth. Another year hip problems. Geez I’m falling apart or maybe the warranty has expired… lol..

Grim thoughts as my birthday approaches. ARGH

Ciao