One little thought at a time
Still screaming inside. But made it through the night. Still waiting for another episode. I wonder how people who take chemo or get series of shots, deal with it. Chanting in their heads, “This will make me better.” The whole time their heads are screaming, “Noooooooo.” Their bodies turning into one big knot of tension.
I cant imagine getting rabies shots over and over and over again…
Life goes on,
Ciao
I’m screaming inside. I’m shaking with cold and I’m tired of feeling every little twinge in my body as if I’m about to throw up. I don’t know which is worse: getting sick or the damn medication Doctor keeps prescribing. The more I take, the more awful I feel. The Dr has no idea why this is happening. I’m pretty sure that the first round of meds probably caused all this and now they can’t figure out why it keeps happening.
When I feel better, I have this voice in the back of my head saying, “just wait, just wait.” And when it happens all over again, it’s there yelling, “you’re gona’ die.”
Maybe I’ve been in the house too long. But I cant afford to not work, so working from home is it.
Now if I could just get through till Monday, when the test results come in, to see what the hell I’ve got. Now I’m worried there won’t be some big red glaring thing and they will put me on yet more meds to make me sicker.
Sigh… Ciao
I have my best thoughts in the shower. I let my mind write things. Go over the day’s tasks, things I need to accomplish. Somehow, just like the steam, it all flits away when I step out onto the cold tile floor.
I’m a little disgruntled with life lately. Not sure what is causing my restlessness. Some would probably tell me to go to a doctor and medicate my cares away. Others would tell me to get over myself. And yet others would just laugh at my concerns.
Maybe turning a year older and having a sucky birthday was the capper on my gloominess. I am constantly amazed with my SO and his lack of understanding. He either doesn’t care or is just down-right stupid about some things. He’s given up on making me feel attractive or needed. We just exist. Comfortably, but just exist together.
Halloween has come and gone. The pumpkins are still out everywhere and the trees are starting to catch up with an angry will, dropping leaves in bushels. I can hear the trees sigh and whomph!, all the leaves are on the ground. The acorns bomb the house at all hours of the day and night. You haven’t lived until a 100 foot oak tree drops a few acorns into your truck bed at 3 in the morning.
Maybe I’ll wander out of this in-be-tweeness sometime.
Ciao
Ever get Vacation Blues in the middle of your vacation? Just got back from the beach. The best weather we’ve ever had. The house was magnificent. The company so-so. The food tremendous as always. But about half way through the week, I found myself getting the blues. I fought back with a flurry of activity.
We had so much potential in the house. My SO was crabbing about all the stuff I brought along. But when you go to the beach in October you have to be prepared for August or November weather. I had puzzles, tons of books, and a big box of movies. The house had a to-die for media room. Not a TV or home theatre system, but a media room with a 100″ screen, surround-sound, multi-level seating, and complete blackout curtains. I wanted one.
The owner called on Sunday to let us know we had the complete NFL Ticket and just about every channel on Satellite known to man….
Kinda’ getting why it got depressing coming home today?
This vacation also was a first for me in that I turned off my blackberry… Off I say. Not peep or ignore, but completely off, delete the email off. Frightening at first, but liberating!
Ciao
Yup. He’s gone. Only two weeks. But after a few days, I’ve gotten tired of sitting on the couch in my underwear eating cheese. My days and nights are confused. I’m not sleeping well. Any noises in the house spooked me at first. Now I’m just too damn tired to jump.
I had a list of things to accomplish while he was gone. Done. I’m bored. I figure just when I get over the hump and look to start more different projects, I’ll be picking him up at the airport.
I miss him. But more I miss the doing of things with him. The knowing he would be home soon. The frustration of having things interrupted or messed with.
I just want him safe and sound.
Ciao
Thoughts of an Old Fart 